I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
