i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
I should be sponsored by Trojan
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Randomize