I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
Dude manswers just said that a guy can only cum up to eight times in one day. I'm gonna prove that show wrong.
ha well at least you have goals.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Randomize
