I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
Randomize
