if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize