we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
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