is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
