just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Randomize