i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Randomize
