turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
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