Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
Randomize
