Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
