Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
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