I cockslap morals
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
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