Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
Randomize
