Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
time to smoke my breakfast
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
Randomize
