why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
I just gargled with NyQuil
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize