every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Randomize