dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
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