i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
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