so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
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