If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
Randomize
