I am at a 420 party and i just told a girl "hey, less not getting donuts, more getting donuts"(1-855): and did she get any doughnuts?
No. I am devastated
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
Randomize
