I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
And then my night got REAL pukey
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize
