rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Randomize
