i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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