You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Randomize
