Swine flu. Run for my life!
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Randomize
