True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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