I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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