And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
