also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
How does one acquire holy water?
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Randomize
