i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
