I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
They are going to name an STD after you.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
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