i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Randomize
