I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Randomize
