i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
