My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
chatroulette drinking game turned into a foursome.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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