I think I just saw someone hide a body.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
Randomize
