I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
Randomize
