your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
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