I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Randomize
