I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Randomize
