I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
