i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
