My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
