Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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