If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
Randomize
