Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize
