Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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