you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
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