at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
