if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Randomize