my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
Randomize
