I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize