I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Randomize
