Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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