New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
How's work?
Spinning.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Randomize
