i'm signing you up for texting rehab
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Randomize
